Ok....brace yourself. This is going to be a bit of rambling...I have tried so hard to stay positive about everything. I always hated depressing people. But in the end...I have decided that this is my blog..and it helps me get things off my chest.
Things I have been thinking about......
I dont know why...but I'm not happy. Not at all. Everyday I wake up in the morning and get ready to go to the hospital. ALl day at the hospital I have to *act* like I REALLY REALLY care about anesthesia.....act like I REALLY REALLY want to stay late (for free of course)....and have a preceptor breathing down my neck all day barking orders at me. After each order ...I have to act SUPER nice (because I want to get a job at this hospital)...and quite frankly...being fake..and nice...is exhausting! Extremely!!!
Usually by the time I walk out...all I want to do is 1) work out 2) cry 3) go to sleep 4) be short with my family & husband. Believe me..I'm not a fun person to live with right now. I know this is probably depression....I think I have come to those terms. I hate it...I wish so much I could be the happy person I used to be...but I also don't want to take any drugs for it. I have tried to self medicate with working out and just plain ignoring all these feelings...but I'm starting to lose my mind.
I don't know what I could be unhappy about. When I sit and think about my life...it has everything and WAY WAY more than I ever dreamed of. I have an engineering degree and finishing my graduate degree in anesthesia. I have an amazing husband that would do anything for me...not to mention has a successful career, is tall dark and handsome, and has an amazing body :) I have a family that loves me and supports me in everything I do. I have turned into this total fitness freak and have run 2 marathons and 2 half marathons with plans to do a lot more....and now have a personal trainer. I weigh less than I did in high school. I have job offers...plural..that start with 8 weeks vacation...amazing benefits...etc. I have a really nice car..nice clothes...a new blackberry...things..things...materialistic things....all of it...I have it. The only thing I don't have is a house and children..but its all in the plans.
When I look at my life..and my dreams as a child...I have surpassed all of them. I'm not trying to brag here..I'm not. .....I'm an extremely fortunate person who takes things for granted way too often. At the same token...I've worked my ass off to get where I'm at. I know my time on earth is a blink of an eye....and none of this matters. Its about people...relationships...memories....living...breathing...etc. Invest your time in those things that matter.....not "things"...that simply exist. I know this....I'm honestly even considering taking a part time job right off the bat just to make myself focus on living life and having fun vs. "things".
Right now it's not so much that I'm sad or depressed..its just that I don't care...about anything. Which I guess maybe means depression. But its this feeling like if the world stopped now..I wouldn't care. I didnt care that I lost my phone the other week..or that I backed into my Moms car and dented up my new car. I don't care to go out with my friends...or travel..or do the things that I used to love doing. I have forced myself to go out to dinner a few times..or engage in some activities to just try and pretend everything is normal..hoping that maybe..just maybe..it would all turn back to normal if i kept pretending. But it hasnt..........at all.........
Everyday I'm at the gym I picture my Dad...in my head...and literally feel like I got kicked in the stomach. My nose starts stinging..and my eyes start tearing as if I was just sucker punched. Then I usually start repeating in my head "what the hell? ...what the hell?". No joke...and then if I keep thinking about it..or a sad song is on...a tear or two might fall down my face. I have never been a depressed person in my life. I think I'm just overwhelmed...burned out...grieving....and basically in survival mode. My Mom says I have crammed sooooo much into 24 years...and never given myself a break. It sorta makes sense.....but was it all worth it? ? ? Is all that work...really worth it if you aren't happy? .....if you....never take another breath? would I look back and think..wow...glad I worked so hard? maybe....maybe not. For now I just want to run away...run away from what all that hard work has granted me....just walk out the door and start running..and running....and maybe losing it all...would make me finally be happy with what I have? Is it worth the risk? Maybe....maybe not. I wish I could just bonk myself over the head with a happy wand.....unfortunately...it doesn't exist. So I guess for now...I'll keep on pretending.....living each second in survival mode...hoping that someday soon I wake up and feel like RunninDuff again.