Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Negative Nancy

Ok....brace yourself. This is going to be a bit of rambling...I have tried so hard to stay positive about everything. I always hated depressing people. But in the end...I have decided that this is my blog..and it helps me get things off my chest.

Things I have been thinking about......

I dont know why...but I'm not happy. Not at all. Everyday I wake up in the morning and get ready to go to the hospital. ALl day at the hospital I have to *act* like I REALLY REALLY care about anesthesia.....act like I REALLY REALLY want to stay late (for free of course)....and have a preceptor breathing down my neck all day barking orders at me. After each order ...I have to act SUPER nice (because I want to get a job at this hospital)...and quite frankly...being fake..and nice...is exhausting! Extremely!!!

Usually by the time I walk out...all I want to do is 1) work out 2) cry 3) go to sleep 4) be short with my family & husband. Believe me..I'm not a fun person to live with right now. I know this is probably depression....I think I have come to those terms. I hate it...I wish so much I could be the happy person I used to be...but I also don't want to take any drugs for it. I have tried to self medicate with working out and just plain ignoring all these feelings...but I'm starting to lose my mind.

I don't know what I could be unhappy about. When I sit and think about my life...it has everything and WAY WAY more than I ever dreamed of. I have an engineering degree and finishing my graduate degree in anesthesia. I have an amazing husband that would do anything for me...not to mention has a successful career, is tall dark and handsome, and has an amazing body :) I have a family that loves me and supports me in everything I do. I have turned into this total fitness freak and have run 2 marathons and 2 half marathons with plans to do a lot more....and now have a personal trainer. I weigh less than I did in high school. I have job offers...plural..that start with 8 weeks vacation...amazing benefits...etc. I have a really nice car..nice clothes...a new blackberry...things..things...materialistic things....all of it...I have it. The only thing I don't have is a house and children..but its all in the plans.

When I look at my life..and my dreams as a child...I have surpassed all of them. I'm not trying to brag here..I'm not. .....I'm an extremely fortunate person who takes things for granted way too often. At the same token...I've worked my ass off to get where I'm at. I know my time on earth is a blink of an eye....and none of this matters. Its about people...relationships...memories....living...breathing...etc. Invest your time in those things that matter.....not "things"...that simply exist. I know this....I'm honestly even considering taking a part time job right off the bat just to make myself focus on living life and having fun vs. "things".

Right now it's not so much that I'm sad or depressed..its just that I don't care...about anything. Which I guess maybe means depression. But its this feeling like if the world stopped now..I wouldn't care. I didnt care that I lost my phone the other week..or that I backed into my Moms car and dented up my new car. I don't care to go out with my friends...or travel..or do the things that I used to love doing. I have forced myself to go out to dinner a few times..or engage in some activities to just try and pretend everything is normal..hoping that maybe..just maybe..it would all turn back to normal if i kept pretending. But it hasnt..........at all.........

Everyday I'm at the gym I picture my Dad...in my head...and literally feel like I got kicked in the stomach. My nose starts stinging..and my eyes start tearing as if I was just sucker punched. Then I usually start repeating in my head "what the hell? ...what the hell?". No joke...and then if I keep thinking about it..or a sad song is on...a tear or two might fall down my face. I have never been a depressed person in my life. I think I'm just overwhelmed...burned out...grieving....and basically in survival mode. My Mom says I have crammed sooooo much into 24 years...and never given myself a break. It sorta makes sense.....but was it all worth it? ? ? Is all that work...really worth it if you aren't happy? .....if you....never take another breath? would I look back and think..wow...glad I worked so hard? maybe....maybe not. For now I just want to run away...run away from what all that hard work has granted me....just walk out the door and start running..and running....and maybe losing it all...would make me finally be happy with what I have? Is it worth the risk? Maybe....maybe not. I wish I could just bonk myself over the head with a happy wand.....unfortunately...it doesn't exist. So I guess for now...I'll keep on pretending.....living each second in survival mode...hoping that someday soon I wake up and feel like RunninDuff again.

13 comments:

Marathonman101108 said...

Sounds like you've officially "crashed and burned." Can you make some quality time for just you and your husband to go somewhere together? Even if it's just a movie and or dinner. Or, do you just need to be alone? If so, talk to your husband, and tell him you need a place to "escape to" for half a day or a full day. Pamper yourself at a spa if you can.I'm sure he will understand. I've read back through your blogs. As you have said, you have done a lot, and have a lot. What you don't seem to have right now is peace of mind, and relaxation time. Somehow, someway, make it happen, the sooner the better. Good luck!

D10 said...

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. But to be honest, I think you need to recognize your feelings. It is ok to feel sad, angry, overwhelmed and to cry. You lost your dad and you are in a very stressful program for school. It is ok feel something other than happiness. It is not being ungrateful, it is being human.
Once you go through these emotions you will be able to move forward, smile and be yourself again. Healing takes time, take time for yourself, but don't forget about those who love you. Things will get better in time.

Anonymous said...

Grief is different for everyone, and it is totally normal to try and keep it at bay, but it sounds like it is seeping in and making you take notice. This is a good thing. Take notice and take care of yourself - you may find that the ways you took care of yourself before don't work to get you through this, and might need to take a break from many of those things in your life. Open your heart to new ways and ideas of healing. You will appreciate and care again. It will happen.

streak said...

Sorry you are feeling negative but you are a very strong woman and will get through this rough patch. When I feel this way I like to think of how all things in the universe have this up and down cycle going on and this down will make me stronger when its over. Your dad is always with you to help you get through the tough times and enjoy the good times, use his strength. Good luck! Hang in there.

Laura said...

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO!

To me, everything you're saying sounds normal for where you are. At our age, it seems normal to question what you have and what you want, and it seems like you have a really realistic picture of where things are. I genuinely don't think you're being that negative - you're just asking some natural questions.

Carolina John said...

hang in there, christine. everything evens out in the long run. we all have up and down periods mentally. i had a really bad down cycle a couple of months ago. but i think it's fun to know when you are down, and it makes you appreciate when you are up.

DeAnna said...

I can't image how you must feel right now but it's ok to not be ok. Just because your life looks perfect to the outside world doesn't mean you have to pretend it is or that you are ungrateful if you don't feel happy. Honestly, you might consider seeing someone to talk about this, it could help you manage the grief and understand your feelings. Know that you've got lots of blog friends thinking of you and praying for you.

Amanda said...

Hi, I've been reading your blog and thought I'd post on this one. There are a few non-drug ways to help with depression (I'm a pharmacist), you may already be doing this but if not I would start taking Omega 3 fish oil caps. The omega 3's can cross the BBB and have antidepressant effects. There is SAM-E, which kicks in faster than other kinds of antidepressants. It can be bought OTC (comes in a box with blister packed pills). Also of course there is exercise which you are already doing. I know you don't want meds, but if you're truly depressed you may need them for a while, it doesn't mean you are weak or that there's anything wrong with you. If you had a heart condition you would take meds for that, depression as I'm sure you know, is a real physiological change in your body, not just "in your mind." Take care and best wishes!

aron said...

hang in there girlie!!! lots of hugs being sent your way... but i think its definitely normal, especially after what you went through this year, it hasnt been an easy one for you. you have lots of support and love, but definitely make sure you take YOU time as well and address your feelings. sometimes you just need to get them out you know?

Jess said...

You say you don't have a reason to be unhappy, but the reality is that you're still grieving the loss of your father. Which is totally understandable. His death was sudden and unexpected and must've certainly caused a lot of hurt.

Seek professional therapy. Talking with a counselor would be a great outlet and that person could adequately diagnose if what you've suffering from is temporary or if you need long-term treatment that may involve drugs.

Take care of yourself!

Lauren said...

You may have a great life, but you're still under a lot of stress. You just lost your father and were moving to new cities and new jobs every month. It's normal to go through this. Just be careful. Sometimes you can pretend everything is great until it actually is great. Other times, that makes things worse. When my brother died, I pretended everything was fine for as long as I could, but things just got worse. I only got better after seeing a counselor and using antidepressants for a few months. Make sure you're doing what's right for you.

Danielle Runs said...

wow. im in tears. don't know what to say except you are an amazing person, human, friend... i knew i shouldn't have read this at work.



grabbing some tissues.. whewww

LOVE YOU!

p.s. why didn't you tell me you wrote this!?!

Mnowac said...

Sorry you feeling down. I wish I had some great advice for you. You just went through something tramautic. I can tell you that after my dad died so suddenly I wandered around half asleep for months, not really knowing what to do with myself. If you really are depressed, it can't hurt to talk a therapist. Even a few sessions would probably help relieve some of the internal pressure.