So lately it seems that running on the treadmill is easier than running outside..>GASP! For one...its usually unreasonably cold outside. My second reason is...now I'm living back home where I grew up (small town). I suddenly realize that going on a 6 mile run means running a loop around the ENTIRE city. The city that when I was younger...seemed like a pretty big place. The city that sometimes my parents complained about driving me to the other side to go to a friends house. So as you can imagine...mentally gearing up for a run around the entire city multiple times a week is pretty taxing on the mind. However....jumping on the treadmill for 40-50 minutes doesn't seem bad at all. Not to mention...the treadmill keeps me on pace..and keeps me getting faster. I find myself running slower paces lately outside. Sooooooooooo......unless I have people to run with....for now....treadmill it is for me. I tend to go in cycles of loving outside..then loving the treadmill..then loving the track...etc. Right now its a treadmill cycle and I'm goin with it!
Stay tuned for the HotPants Stationary Race...."Where you don't have to go anywhere...to get somewhere" haha....Treadmillin it 13.1 baby!
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Completely out of my gord....
Seriously folks! I ...RunninDuff....got up at 6 am today....to go outside in SIXTEEN DEGREES....to run 6.5 miles!!!!!!!! Check my temperature...while it may not be feverish YET (still thawing out)...I gaurantee something is not right in my head...haha. Either way...it was a blast!! and I think I've met some new running buddies..that could be permanent buddies. Whenever I got to this hospital they kept telling me about one of the lady surgeons that runs marathons..and kept saying "you two need to run together" blah blah blah. Well finally she cornered me int he locker room and gave me her e-mail and invited me to go. I sorta ignored the invite for a week...and then finally sent the e mail. I was a little nervous about it because 1) she has a 6 pack... 2) said the words "dont worry...were not fast...we run like 4 hr marathons (last time I checked...4 hour marathons were FAST)...3) I had no clue what to wear in 16 degrees since I've been a wimp all winter and ran indoors. But despite all the adversity...I decided to throw myself to the wolves and test my limits.
Oh one other adverse factor...it rained all day the day before so it was SUPER icy! I totally thought that might be a way to get out of it....but apparently these new running buddies are hard core! And the last thing I need at this point is a broken arm....not so good for job interviews. So off I went...completely overdressed (does this sound familiar)...and we had a blast!! It was absolutely freezing...we did about 6.5 miles...talked..laughed...and kept trucking along. Everytime we would get closer to their house...the lady surgeon kept saying..lets just go to the gas station and back..lets go here and back...kept lengthening the run since she feels guilty about a dinner party she is having tonight and how much she is going to eat. This doesn't work good for me...I'm a very out and back runner. I like to know where my end point is at all times and just keep working towards it. Changing the end point on me was a major mental battle..(3x!)...which I think was good. It helped me keep going when I thought I was done.
So yeah..I'm a complete nut job! Love it though! Next on the running front is that new love affair I've been having with the dreadmill. I dunno what it is..but I've just been really pushing my limits with that guy. The other day I did a 5 mile run in 42:30 which ends up being an 8:30 pace exactly. Last time I checked...that was pretty fast for me! Two days before that I did 4.5 miles in 38:30 so its definitely not a fluke...but the results of some hard work and pushing on my part. The worst part is...I no longer fit in my pants!! Ive been lifting a lot and doing plyometrics as well as these powerful faster runs...and my legs are getting bigger!! What a complete disaster!!!! Someone please help..I'm glad I'm getting faster but I do NOT want big legs...whatsoever. And its not an eating thing either..my diets been good and my abs are getting RIPPED! So frustrating..
Oh one other adverse factor...it rained all day the day before so it was SUPER icy! I totally thought that might be a way to get out of it....but apparently these new running buddies are hard core! And the last thing I need at this point is a broken arm....not so good for job interviews. So off I went...completely overdressed (does this sound familiar)...and we had a blast!! It was absolutely freezing...we did about 6.5 miles...talked..laughed...and kept trucking along. Everytime we would get closer to their house...the lady surgeon kept saying..lets just go to the gas station and back..lets go here and back...kept lengthening the run since she feels guilty about a dinner party she is having tonight and how much she is going to eat. This doesn't work good for me...I'm a very out and back runner. I like to know where my end point is at all times and just keep working towards it. Changing the end point on me was a major mental battle..(3x!)...which I think was good. It helped me keep going when I thought I was done.
So yeah..I'm a complete nut job! Love it though! Next on the running front is that new love affair I've been having with the dreadmill. I dunno what it is..but I've just been really pushing my limits with that guy. The other day I did a 5 mile run in 42:30 which ends up being an 8:30 pace exactly. Last time I checked...that was pretty fast for me! Two days before that I did 4.5 miles in 38:30 so its definitely not a fluke...but the results of some hard work and pushing on my part. The worst part is...I no longer fit in my pants!! Ive been lifting a lot and doing plyometrics as well as these powerful faster runs...and my legs are getting bigger!! What a complete disaster!!!! Someone please help..I'm glad I'm getting faster but I do NOT want big legs...whatsoever. And its not an eating thing either..my diets been good and my abs are getting RIPPED! So frustrating..
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Hot Pants Twins are back at it!!!
So...there is this crazy girl that I've been friends with a long time....and lets just say that one time we put on hot pink pants and decided to run a marathon together. 
Theres a refresher..not like you could really forget that image anyway. Anyway....we came up with a GR8 (hoodpoints..using 8 in the middle of a word..sorry inside joke) idea to run a half marathon on the treadmill next weekend. Ya see....I will be in Cincinnati and we wanted to go running anyway. Little miss speedy hot pants runs faster than me...so running on the treadmill might be a great option for us....and why not be official and run an official race. Of course one could argue that a 5k distance is an official race....but as Laura says...Go Big Or Go Home! I have a lot of people to catch up with that weekend in Cinci and since I am a slow ass runner and don't want to be on the treadmill half the day...a half marathon is a perfect distance for the hottie pants to run. We fully plan on bringing a large cooler of gatorade to create our own "Aid station"..and maybe even hanging signs on our treadmill to keep us motivated. We might even make some shirts with race numbers......and if anyone at the gym is lucky that weekend.....we might just even bust out the hot pants! Most people hate the dreadmill....as do I...(but not lately...we've been secretly in love)....so what would be more hardcore than running a race one? Besides...many northerners that train for early marathons do more than this on the treadmill anyway. Soooo whaddya think? I would like suggestions for the name of this "race"......entertain me please... haha
Theres a refresher..not like you could really forget that image anyway. Anyway....we came up with a GR8 (hoodpoints..using 8 in the middle of a word..sorry inside joke) idea to run a half marathon on the treadmill next weekend. Ya see....I will be in Cincinnati and we wanted to go running anyway. Little miss speedy hot pants runs faster than me...so running on the treadmill might be a great option for us....and why not be official and run an official race. Of course one could argue that a 5k distance is an official race....but as Laura says...Go Big Or Go Home! I have a lot of people to catch up with that weekend in Cinci and since I am a slow ass runner and don't want to be on the treadmill half the day...a half marathon is a perfect distance for the hottie pants to run. We fully plan on bringing a large cooler of gatorade to create our own "Aid station"..and maybe even hanging signs on our treadmill to keep us motivated. We might even make some shirts with race numbers......and if anyone at the gym is lucky that weekend.....we might just even bust out the hot pants! Most people hate the dreadmill....as do I...(but not lately...we've been secretly in love)....so what would be more hardcore than running a race one? Besides...many northerners that train for early marathons do more than this on the treadmill anyway. Soooo whaddya think? I would like suggestions for the name of this "race"......entertain me please... haha
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Things that make you go "hmmm..."
So the other night I was on the phone with my cousin Holly....HI HOLLY!! (She reads my blog..) and we were kinda discussing my recent Negative Nancy post. Holly..being the total sweetheart she is...was encouraging and complimenting me on the things I've accomplished. Then she said it....."Chrissy..you can put anything you put your mind to. NO Doubt..if you say you are going to do something...I never question that you will do it" At that point..the wheels started turning and I almost had a side conversation with Holly in my own head.
Me: Holly..really? My Mom always said I could do anything I put my mind to
Holly in my head: Yeah no doubt you can do ANYTHING
Me: Really?? ANYTHING??
And then it started...it had me intrigued. I always knew I could do anything I put my mind to..but I think I sort of forgot. But lately at the gym I've been throwing up some weight that I never thought I could lift just to see if I can...and amazingly...I can! When I used to lift before I was stuck on numbers for instance on leg extension I always use 50 lbs...leg press 100 etc. I might try to increase the amount of reps...but never the weights...because it freaked me out. But now...I started at 100 with leg press...4 weeks ago...this week I threw up 160. Each time I do a weight workout I just stick the peg in some number that I never imagined I could lift...and each time I surprise myself as I do 1..2..3...4...5...6...7...8..9..10..11...12..reps! Its a great thing...and its starting to show...I got myself some little popeye guns!
Anyway...I was sorta thinking...after reading Laura's post and tossing around ideas in my head. Maybe I could do a half ironman this summer!!! Maybe? Nooooooooo.......not maybe.....I CAN!...Holly said so! I believe her...she doesn't lie. Then I was furiously looking up some tri blogs of first timer half ironmans etc. and found a post from a guy who did one and altered his training a bit. See..we all know I have a crappy crappy left shoulder. It is what it is.....I do my best to rehab it....but there are still days where I swear its trying to detach from my body. I had sorta resorted to the fact that I wouldn't be able to accomplish one of my lifelong goals of becoming an Ironman...until now! This guy had a great philosophy...the swim is a very short portion of the half ironman (only 30-40 mins) and therefore isnt worth spending a ridiculous amount of time training for (if you are a decent swimmer). Obviously if you have never swam before competetively or taken a fair amount of swim lessons..you might want to invest some more time developing your gills. But for this girl....who was born half fish....minus a left fin....I think I can skimp a little on the pool workouts. Last year when I started training for triathlons I was trying to swim 2-3 times a week. This guy said all you need to do is swim once a week the full distance you plan to do for the half Ironman (about 2200 yards) and that's all you need. I feel especially with the rehab I've done on my left fin.....my body could handle one 40 minute swim a week. VOILA!
Next point...the bike. The bike is really where you spend the majority of time in a half ironman and we all know this is my weakest subject. He says spend the most time doing BRICK (bike + run) workouts since they are fundamental. You need to see how long it takes you to get your legs back for the run.
One major problem would be the fact that I'm still moving around quite a bit...which makes training difficult....and the biggest of them all....BOARD EXAMS IN JUNE!!! EEEK! But lets remember...I trained for a marathon during the busiest and hardest quarter of school last year. And ALSO...Holly said I could do anything....anything...I put my mind to.
Soooooo....I have been thinking about this...even half picked out a race I want to do. Although I'd really like to do one with someone (ahem Laura). I want to do one that is "drivable" since its super expensive to have your bike shipped places...so this is what I was thinking..The Patriot Half Ironman in Williamsburg Virginia. Heres a little blurb about it :
After a 1.2 mile swim in the James River athletes will race through 56 miles of woods, farmlands, and lakes on mostly flat terrain and good pavement. Once you have laced up your running shoes youll be treated to a flat and fast 13.1 mile run along the James River.
This is September 12, 2008
Two key words in that blurb.....flat...and fast. Just what a tri newbie needs!!!
And there was one other one I was looking at in November..the Beach2Battleship half in Wilmington, NC. This would give me more time to train and they are having competitions at all the aid stations to see who can have the best one. Any thoughts or input on any of this would be much appreciated....also anyone want to join me??
*disclaimer...this is still all just a thought..nothing set in stone
Me: Holly..really? My Mom always said I could do anything I put my mind to
Holly in my head: Yeah no doubt you can do ANYTHING
Me: Really?? ANYTHING??
And then it started...it had me intrigued. I always knew I could do anything I put my mind to..but I think I sort of forgot. But lately at the gym I've been throwing up some weight that I never thought I could lift just to see if I can...and amazingly...I can! When I used to lift before I was stuck on numbers for instance on leg extension I always use 50 lbs...leg press 100 etc. I might try to increase the amount of reps...but never the weights...because it freaked me out. But now...I started at 100 with leg press...4 weeks ago...this week I threw up 160. Each time I do a weight workout I just stick the peg in some number that I never imagined I could lift...and each time I surprise myself as I do 1..2..3...4...5...6...7...8..9..10..11...12..reps! Its a great thing...and its starting to show...I got myself some little popeye guns!
Anyway...I was sorta thinking...after reading Laura's post and tossing around ideas in my head. Maybe I could do a half ironman this summer!!! Maybe? Nooooooooo.......not maybe.....I CAN!...Holly said so! I believe her...she doesn't lie. Then I was furiously looking up some tri blogs of first timer half ironmans etc. and found a post from a guy who did one and altered his training a bit. See..we all know I have a crappy crappy left shoulder. It is what it is.....I do my best to rehab it....but there are still days where I swear its trying to detach from my body. I had sorta resorted to the fact that I wouldn't be able to accomplish one of my lifelong goals of becoming an Ironman...until now! This guy had a great philosophy...the swim is a very short portion of the half ironman (only 30-40 mins) and therefore isnt worth spending a ridiculous amount of time training for (if you are a decent swimmer). Obviously if you have never swam before competetively or taken a fair amount of swim lessons..you might want to invest some more time developing your gills. But for this girl....who was born half fish....minus a left fin....I think I can skimp a little on the pool workouts. Last year when I started training for triathlons I was trying to swim 2-3 times a week. This guy said all you need to do is swim once a week the full distance you plan to do for the half Ironman (about 2200 yards) and that's all you need. I feel especially with the rehab I've done on my left fin.....my body could handle one 40 minute swim a week. VOILA!
Next point...the bike. The bike is really where you spend the majority of time in a half ironman and we all know this is my weakest subject. He says spend the most time doing BRICK (bike + run) workouts since they are fundamental. You need to see how long it takes you to get your legs back for the run.
One major problem would be the fact that I'm still moving around quite a bit...which makes training difficult....and the biggest of them all....BOARD EXAMS IN JUNE!!! EEEK! But lets remember...I trained for a marathon during the busiest and hardest quarter of school last year. And ALSO...Holly said I could do anything....anything...I put my mind to.
Soooooo....I have been thinking about this...even half picked out a race I want to do. Although I'd really like to do one with someone (ahem Laura). I want to do one that is "drivable" since its super expensive to have your bike shipped places...so this is what I was thinking..The Patriot Half Ironman in Williamsburg Virginia. Heres a little blurb about it :
After a 1.2 mile swim in the James River athletes will race through 56 miles of woods, farmlands, and lakes on mostly flat terrain and good pavement. Once you have laced up your running shoes youll be treated to a flat and fast 13.1 mile run along the James River.
This is September 12, 2008
Two key words in that blurb.....flat...and fast. Just what a tri newbie needs!!!
And there was one other one I was looking at in November..the Beach2Battleship half in Wilmington, NC. This would give me more time to train and they are having competitions at all the aid stations to see who can have the best one. Any thoughts or input on any of this would be much appreciated....also anyone want to join me??
*disclaimer...this is still all just a thought..nothing set in stone
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Breakthroughs...
Not even sure if thats how you spell "breakthrough"..I think it is..but it just looks weird to me. Does that ever happen to you? Or you say a word too much..that it doesnt even sound like a word anymore?
ANYWAY...
a HUGE HUGE HUGE THank you to all my blog readers. Your posts were amazing!!! After I hit publish post last night I already felt better. Just getting that all off my chest made me feel soooooo good. Then today..I woke up and when I got in my car that song was on thats like "If you are going through hell..keep on going....you might get out before the devil even knows youre there"..and I thought how perfect! haha
Then I got all your messages...and it made me realize a lot!! A LOT!..Its great to have internet buddies that care about you..you guys are amazing. I also realized that it's quite OK to be sad once in a while. I think I get caught up in trying to be this perfect and strong person in every way. Its OK to wake up somedays in a grumpy mood...or to have a day where you eat too many cookies..or skip a workout...or play hooky from work when you arent sick. It's OK to not have every thread together every second of the day. We are ALL humans...and as much as we strive for perfection...perfection is ugly. Its the flaws that make us beautiful...and desirable..and who we are. I'll never forget this....one day we were doing anesthesia and everything was going well. I look over at one of the monitors and suggest maybe we do something else to make the vitals better...my preceptor then said " Do you know who "Good's" enemy is?" And of course I look at him with that dumb blank stare thinking its some trick anesthesia question. And then he quickly says "Better". If something is good...don't mess with it. Things don't need to be the "best". People don't need to be perfect. I need to quit being so hard on myself when I stumble a little bit. Its perfectly OK.....
So I had a decent day at work....then went to the doctors (long story..)....then went to the gym. I ran a very fast 4 miler...felt amazing!! Then I talked to my husband for a while. He was leaning over my shoulder yesterday when I wrote that blog...and I think he was concerned about me being sad (rightfully so...props to the hubby! haha). We talked...and I told him that we need to talk about things more often. He said he tries not to bring things up (like about my Dad) to avoid bringing me down. I explained to him that I'm a "talker" (obviously)..and that I need to talk about the things that bother me.
All in all...i feel a million times better. And I know its just one day....but its one good day. And maybe tomorrow will be another....and then another.........
Hi I'm RunninDuff....I think we've met before...
ANYWAY...
a HUGE HUGE HUGE THank you to all my blog readers. Your posts were amazing!!! After I hit publish post last night I already felt better. Just getting that all off my chest made me feel soooooo good. Then today..I woke up and when I got in my car that song was on thats like "If you are going through hell..keep on going....you might get out before the devil even knows youre there"..and I thought how perfect! haha
Then I got all your messages...and it made me realize a lot!! A LOT!..Its great to have internet buddies that care about you..you guys are amazing. I also realized that it's quite OK to be sad once in a while. I think I get caught up in trying to be this perfect and strong person in every way. Its OK to wake up somedays in a grumpy mood...or to have a day where you eat too many cookies..or skip a workout...or play hooky from work when you arent sick. It's OK to not have every thread together every second of the day. We are ALL humans...and as much as we strive for perfection...perfection is ugly. Its the flaws that make us beautiful...and desirable..and who we are. I'll never forget this....one day we were doing anesthesia and everything was going well. I look over at one of the monitors and suggest maybe we do something else to make the vitals better...my preceptor then said " Do you know who "Good's" enemy is?" And of course I look at him with that dumb blank stare thinking its some trick anesthesia question. And then he quickly says "Better". If something is good...don't mess with it. Things don't need to be the "best". People don't need to be perfect. I need to quit being so hard on myself when I stumble a little bit. Its perfectly OK.....
So I had a decent day at work....then went to the doctors (long story..)....then went to the gym. I ran a very fast 4 miler...felt amazing!! Then I talked to my husband for a while. He was leaning over my shoulder yesterday when I wrote that blog...and I think he was concerned about me being sad (rightfully so...props to the hubby! haha). We talked...and I told him that we need to talk about things more often. He said he tries not to bring things up (like about my Dad) to avoid bringing me down. I explained to him that I'm a "talker" (obviously)..and that I need to talk about the things that bother me.
All in all...i feel a million times better. And I know its just one day....but its one good day. And maybe tomorrow will be another....and then another.........
Hi I'm RunninDuff....I think we've met before...
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Negative Nancy
Ok....brace yourself. This is going to be a bit of rambling...I have tried so hard to stay positive about everything. I always hated depressing people. But in the end...I have decided that this is my blog..and it helps me get things off my chest.
Things I have been thinking about......
I dont know why...but I'm not happy. Not at all. Everyday I wake up in the morning and get ready to go to the hospital. ALl day at the hospital I have to *act* like I REALLY REALLY care about anesthesia.....act like I REALLY REALLY want to stay late (for free of course)....and have a preceptor breathing down my neck all day barking orders at me. After each order ...I have to act SUPER nice (because I want to get a job at this hospital)...and quite frankly...being fake..and nice...is exhausting! Extremely!!!
Usually by the time I walk out...all I want to do is 1) work out 2) cry 3) go to sleep 4) be short with my family & husband. Believe me..I'm not a fun person to live with right now. I know this is probably depression....I think I have come to those terms. I hate it...I wish so much I could be the happy person I used to be...but I also don't want to take any drugs for it. I have tried to self medicate with working out and just plain ignoring all these feelings...but I'm starting to lose my mind.
I don't know what I could be unhappy about. When I sit and think about my life...it has everything and WAY WAY more than I ever dreamed of. I have an engineering degree and finishing my graduate degree in anesthesia. I have an amazing husband that would do anything for me...not to mention has a successful career, is tall dark and handsome, and has an amazing body :) I have a family that loves me and supports me in everything I do. I have turned into this total fitness freak and have run 2 marathons and 2 half marathons with plans to do a lot more....and now have a personal trainer. I weigh less than I did in high school. I have job offers...plural..that start with 8 weeks vacation...amazing benefits...etc. I have a really nice car..nice clothes...a new blackberry...things..things...materialistic things....all of it...I have it. The only thing I don't have is a house and children..but its all in the plans.
When I look at my life..and my dreams as a child...I have surpassed all of them. I'm not trying to brag here..I'm not. .....I'm an extremely fortunate person who takes things for granted way too often. At the same token...I've worked my ass off to get where I'm at. I know my time on earth is a blink of an eye....and none of this matters. Its about people...relationships...memories....living...breathing...etc. Invest your time in those things that matter.....not "things"...that simply exist. I know this....I'm honestly even considering taking a part time job right off the bat just to make myself focus on living life and having fun vs. "things".
Right now it's not so much that I'm sad or depressed..its just that I don't care...about anything. Which I guess maybe means depression. But its this feeling like if the world stopped now..I wouldn't care. I didnt care that I lost my phone the other week..or that I backed into my Moms car and dented up my new car. I don't care to go out with my friends...or travel..or do the things that I used to love doing. I have forced myself to go out to dinner a few times..or engage in some activities to just try and pretend everything is normal..hoping that maybe..just maybe..it would all turn back to normal if i kept pretending. But it hasnt..........at all.........
Everyday I'm at the gym I picture my Dad...in my head...and literally feel like I got kicked in the stomach. My nose starts stinging..and my eyes start tearing as if I was just sucker punched. Then I usually start repeating in my head "what the hell? ...what the hell?". No joke...and then if I keep thinking about it..or a sad song is on...a tear or two might fall down my face. I have never been a depressed person in my life. I think I'm just overwhelmed...burned out...grieving....and basically in survival mode. My Mom says I have crammed sooooo much into 24 years...and never given myself a break. It sorta makes sense.....but was it all worth it? ? ? Is all that work...really worth it if you aren't happy? .....if you....never take another breath? would I look back and think..wow...glad I worked so hard? maybe....maybe not. For now I just want to run away...run away from what all that hard work has granted me....just walk out the door and start running..and running....and maybe losing it all...would make me finally be happy with what I have? Is it worth the risk? Maybe....maybe not. I wish I could just bonk myself over the head with a happy wand.....unfortunately...it doesn't exist. So I guess for now...I'll keep on pretending.....living each second in survival mode...hoping that someday soon I wake up and feel like RunninDuff again.
Things I have been thinking about......
I dont know why...but I'm not happy. Not at all. Everyday I wake up in the morning and get ready to go to the hospital. ALl day at the hospital I have to *act* like I REALLY REALLY care about anesthesia.....act like I REALLY REALLY want to stay late (for free of course)....and have a preceptor breathing down my neck all day barking orders at me. After each order ...I have to act SUPER nice (because I want to get a job at this hospital)...and quite frankly...being fake..and nice...is exhausting! Extremely!!!
Usually by the time I walk out...all I want to do is 1) work out 2) cry 3) go to sleep 4) be short with my family & husband. Believe me..I'm not a fun person to live with right now. I know this is probably depression....I think I have come to those terms. I hate it...I wish so much I could be the happy person I used to be...but I also don't want to take any drugs for it. I have tried to self medicate with working out and just plain ignoring all these feelings...but I'm starting to lose my mind.
I don't know what I could be unhappy about. When I sit and think about my life...it has everything and WAY WAY more than I ever dreamed of. I have an engineering degree and finishing my graduate degree in anesthesia. I have an amazing husband that would do anything for me...not to mention has a successful career, is tall dark and handsome, and has an amazing body :) I have a family that loves me and supports me in everything I do. I have turned into this total fitness freak and have run 2 marathons and 2 half marathons with plans to do a lot more....and now have a personal trainer. I weigh less than I did in high school. I have job offers...plural..that start with 8 weeks vacation...amazing benefits...etc. I have a really nice car..nice clothes...a new blackberry...things..things...materialistic things....all of it...I have it. The only thing I don't have is a house and children..but its all in the plans.
When I look at my life..and my dreams as a child...I have surpassed all of them. I'm not trying to brag here..I'm not. .....I'm an extremely fortunate person who takes things for granted way too often. At the same token...I've worked my ass off to get where I'm at. I know my time on earth is a blink of an eye....and none of this matters. Its about people...relationships...memories....living...breathing...etc. Invest your time in those things that matter.....not "things"...that simply exist. I know this....I'm honestly even considering taking a part time job right off the bat just to make myself focus on living life and having fun vs. "things".
Right now it's not so much that I'm sad or depressed..its just that I don't care...about anything. Which I guess maybe means depression. But its this feeling like if the world stopped now..I wouldn't care. I didnt care that I lost my phone the other week..or that I backed into my Moms car and dented up my new car. I don't care to go out with my friends...or travel..or do the things that I used to love doing. I have forced myself to go out to dinner a few times..or engage in some activities to just try and pretend everything is normal..hoping that maybe..just maybe..it would all turn back to normal if i kept pretending. But it hasnt..........at all.........
Everyday I'm at the gym I picture my Dad...in my head...and literally feel like I got kicked in the stomach. My nose starts stinging..and my eyes start tearing as if I was just sucker punched. Then I usually start repeating in my head "what the hell? ...what the hell?". No joke...and then if I keep thinking about it..or a sad song is on...a tear or two might fall down my face. I have never been a depressed person in my life. I think I'm just overwhelmed...burned out...grieving....and basically in survival mode. My Mom says I have crammed sooooo much into 24 years...and never given myself a break. It sorta makes sense.....but was it all worth it? ? ? Is all that work...really worth it if you aren't happy? .....if you....never take another breath? would I look back and think..wow...glad I worked so hard? maybe....maybe not. For now I just want to run away...run away from what all that hard work has granted me....just walk out the door and start running..and running....and maybe losing it all...would make me finally be happy with what I have? Is it worth the risk? Maybe....maybe not. I wish I could just bonk myself over the head with a happy wand.....unfortunately...it doesn't exist. So I guess for now...I'll keep on pretending.....living each second in survival mode...hoping that someday soon I wake up and feel like RunninDuff again.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Running outside in February
I'm about to head out for an 8 miler.....when I say OUT...i mean OUTSIDE!! How amazing is that? Running outside in February in O-H-I-OOOOOOOO! There was definitely 4 feet of snow out my front door T-3 days ago...so much that it was over my Dogs head. But today my friends...I will be treking out on wet grounds to run outside. This is a very good thing since there are some races coming up I'd like to participate in..and running on the treadmill doesnt quite get you ready like running the great mother Earth does. Hope it goes well...I had to dig out my Garmin..haha
p.s. I think I found my first triathlon ...sprint tri this summer. I hope all goes well now that I've been a real good girl with rehabbing my shoulder :)
p.s. I think I found my first triathlon ...sprint tri this summer. I hope all goes well now that I've been a real good girl with rehabbing my shoulder :)
Friday, February 6, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Then it has puppies......(you know the first part)
My last week.....
1) Hubby messes up his ankle playing basketball-----> RunninDuff slams her hand in the OR doors
2) RunninDuff loses her phone outside in the snow and it gets frozen and run over ---> Hubby drops his phone in a cup of water
3) RunninDuff backs into her moms car...----> Hubby if you follow suit I will freakin kill you! hahaha
So as the saying goes...Lifes a Bitch...then it has puppies...and apparently before you know it...the puppies are having puppies...when will it end?
But ah HA! all you optimists out there are probably thinking "be grateful!" right? Well FINE! I'll try.....ankles, hands, cars, phones = all fixable or replace-able. Friends, family, memories = the little things in life. The Big Picture = Don't Sweat the small stuff. (Sorry this is all in equations..apparently stress brings out the engineer in me)
I have a nice family...good friends...a promising career ahead that actually has job offers during this crappy economy...two legs that allow me to run 4 miles in 34:30 (yes! I'm getting faster!)...a few non-injured fingers so I can still blog...a smashed up car that takes me from A to B...and a partridge in a pear tree. This is one happy camper...........praying to the Dog gods to stop the dang puppy mill thats going on over here. :) SMILE!!!!! ITS HUMP DAY!
1) Hubby messes up his ankle playing basketball-----> RunninDuff slams her hand in the OR doors
2) RunninDuff loses her phone outside in the snow and it gets frozen and run over ---> Hubby drops his phone in a cup of water
3) RunninDuff backs into her moms car...----> Hubby if you follow suit I will freakin kill you! hahaha
So as the saying goes...Lifes a Bitch...then it has puppies...and apparently before you know it...the puppies are having puppies...when will it end?
But ah HA! all you optimists out there are probably thinking "be grateful!" right? Well FINE! I'll try.....ankles, hands, cars, phones = all fixable or replace-able. Friends, family, memories = the little things in life. The Big Picture = Don't Sweat the small stuff. (Sorry this is all in equations..apparently stress brings out the engineer in me)
I have a nice family...good friends...a promising career ahead that actually has job offers during this crappy economy...two legs that allow me to run 4 miles in 34:30 (yes! I'm getting faster!)...a few non-injured fingers so I can still blog...a smashed up car that takes me from A to B...and a partridge in a pear tree. This is one happy camper...........praying to the Dog gods to stop the dang puppy mill thats going on over here. :) SMILE!!!!! ITS HUMP DAY!
Sunday, February 1, 2009
At least running marathons doesn't do this...
or this...
But does this...
And this..
haha...poor hubby! Maybe he will take up running marathons from now on...and for all those people who say running marathons kills your joints...SUCK IT! :)
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