So I pulled my butt outta bed at 4:30...got ready..and got in the car. I cried the whole way to the hospital...and literally all the fear I had in me whenit all first happened...came right back. It was almost like re-living the whole thing again. I was afraid to reach down and pick up my cell phone...for fear that someone was going to grab my arm from under the bed (no jokes...this is how i was the first time around..i thought there were boogie men in every corner). I was afraid to open the door and let the cat in..for fear that someone was going to run in the house and kill me. All these feelings that I was so happy to get rid of during the healing process, came right back since I basically relived the whole event the night before.
I luckily got to the hospital 35 minutes early and drove straight to the drug store. I bought all new make-up and sat in the car for 20 minutes wiping the black streaks off my face and reapplying eye shadow, foundation etc. It never makes a good impression when you walk into a hospital (and potential job opportunity) and looked like you just got hit by a mascara truck. I blew my nose..probably would have put cucumbers on my eyes if I had a tiny bit more time...and pulled myself together to walk into the new hospital. I busted my ass all day taking care of patients, learning the new routines, figuring out where they keep the supplies, and keeping my head up. I skipped breaks...didn't get to eat lunch...and just kept plugging along with a big ole fake smile on my face.
WHen I finally got to leave and get in my car for the journey home..I realized how strong I am. I thought about the endless times I've had to scrape myself off the pavement and put on a smiling face for these stupid clinicals. To stand there at the hospital in the midst of strangers that haven't a clue about what I'm going through. Each time I think of how many people would have quit...would have just turned the car around this morning and said "fuck it"...and I felt proud to be who I am.
It's so easy to criticize yourself...oh I need to lose 10 lbs...eww..I have a zit...I'm not good enough..etc. etc. etc. But when the world chews you up and spits you out...and stomps on your face...do you get up with a smiling face and say "Good morning JOhn...I'm Christine from anesthesia..I'll be taking care of you today!"....I know I do....and I do it with my makeup still perfectly applied :)