Monday, May 4, 2009

Its all about picking yourself up

I had a nice little weekend that included a LOT of studyin! I was anxiously dreading awaiting my new rotation that starts today. This new rotation is about an hour commute as I had mentioned before....and the first day at a new hospital always sucks ass! Well last night I ended up having nightmares alllllllllll night about when my Dad passed away. It was a pretty traumatic event in my life..but I have NEVER had nightmares like this before. I obviously don't want to go into detail...but there was one good point to it. In this re-hash of the tragedy...I actually got to say goodbye. I hugged my Dad over and over again and told him what a good Dad he was and how much I love dhim...something that I never got to do the first time. I'm not sure what you believe..but some people feel that when their loved ones come to them in dreams..that it's really their spirit. If thats the case...I actually woke up feeling like I got to say goodbye....yet that good feeling was definitely washed out by all the other horrible images/feelings from the dream.

So I pulled my butt outta bed at ready..and got in the car. I cried the whole way to the hospital...and literally all the fear I had in me whenit all first happened...came right back. It was almost like re-living the whole thing again. I was afraid to reach down and pick up my cell phone...for fear that someone was going to grab my arm from under the bed (no jokes...this is how i was the first time around..i thought there were boogie men in every corner). I was afraid to open the door and let the cat in..for fear that someone was going to run in the house and kill me. All these feelings that I was so happy to get rid of during the healing process, came right back since I basically relived the whole event the night before.

I luckily got to the hospital 35 minutes early and drove straight to the drug store. I bought all new make-up and sat in the car for 20 minutes wiping the black streaks off my face and reapplying eye shadow, foundation etc. It never makes a good impression when you walk into a hospital (and potential job opportunity) and looked like you just got hit by a mascara truck. I blew my nose..probably would have put cucumbers on my eyes if I had a tiny bit more time...and pulled myself together to walk into the new hospital. I busted my ass all day taking care of patients, learning the new routines, figuring out where they keep the supplies, and keeping my head up. I skipped breaks...didn't get to eat lunch...and just kept plugging along with a big ole fake smile on my face.

WHen I finally got to leave and get in my car for the journey home..I realized how strong I am. I thought about the endless times I've had to scrape myself off the pavement and put on a smiling face for these stupid clinicals. To stand there at the hospital in the midst of strangers that haven't a clue about what I'm going through. Each time I think of how many people would have quit...would have just turned the car around this morning and said "fuck it"...and I felt proud to be who I am.

It's so easy to criticize yourself...oh I need to lose 10 lbs...eww..I have a zit...I'm not good enough..etc. etc. etc. But when the world chews you up and spits you out...and stomps on your you get up with a smiling face and say "Good morning JOhn...I'm Christine from anesthesia..I'll be taking care of you today!"....I know I do....and I do it with my makeup still perfectly applied :)


Jess said...

Sometimes dreams offer us a way to deal with difficult issues we don't want to face while we're awake. So, it sucks to have dreams like that the night before a new rotation, but they seemed to have served a good purpose in the end.

P.O.M. said...

You are strong!
And getting stronger every day.

Run For Life said...

I'm sorry you had such an awful sleep last night but like you said it's good you felt like you were able to say goodbye.

Way to keep going! Here's to tonight's sleep being better for you. :)

Kelli said...

Every now and then we just have to suck it up and go! I hope that feeling of some peace is still with you.

Carolina John said...

i know that was tough. i had the same thing happen during a 20 mile run once. missing my grandfather like crazy, i started crying uncontrollably about 18 miles in.

hang in there, you'll feel better soon.

Benson said...

Tough night
Tough day
Tougher you.
Nice rebound. And you look marvelous.

Anonymous said...

Christine - This was so inspiring. Your words made me cry, but also made me realize to really love and appreciate the people in my life. Then, when I got to the end, and read how you recognize your strength, I smiled and was so happy for you. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

Jes said...

I ran a race last weekend on my dad's birthday and dedicated it to him. Hopefully you will have good dreams about your dad. I have had a few since my dad passed away. Remember that you are amazing and so strong. Your dad would be so proud of you!